Every night.

The words i sleep on form the poems I dream on equaling my sweetest downfall.

Questions for Rivers at age 8

Asked Rivers (Age 8) all these questions about me

*What is something I say a lot?
"Rivers"

*What makes me happy?
Rivers

*What makes me sad?
"your dad that passed away"

*How tall am I?
6 feet

*What's my favorite thing to do?
Play League of Legends

*What is my favorite food?
Hot Pot

*What is my favorite drink?
Coke

*If I could go anywhere, where would it be?
Hawaii

*Do you think you could live without me?
No

*How do I annoy you?
By walking infront of the TV and dance

*What is my favorite tv show?
Watching League of Legends

*What is my favorite music to listen to?
Weezer

*What is my job?
Computer stuff

*How old am I?
36

*what's my favorite color?
Green

*How much do I love you?
To pluto and back 

Because I am a Dad.

Because I am a Dad...


When I was younger, in my 20's, I never did want kids. Maybe I was just selfish with my own time, with my dedication, with my passion and interests for my future.  I didn't know what true love was, what it felt like to live and breath. I didn't know.


When my son was born, I had no clue what kind of world I was stepping into. Sure, 9 months to mentally prepare, but we all know that's impossible if you've never been a parent before. And still I'm sure its hard after that when a new life sits in your arms for the very first time.  One day life is just as you know it and all of a sudden the next day it means so much more. Life changes. Life grows. Life won't stop and the only choice we have is how we handle this ride that is given to us.



I cry when he sings Christmas songs at school. I get nervous on his first day of class. I root him on when he's competing. My eyes tear up when I find a sock he wore when he was an infant.  I hug him before bed. I feed him breakfast in the morning. I make sure his hair is combed. I cook him dinner. I buy him school supplies. I help him with his homework. I play video games with him. We wrestle and battle in imaginary wars. We race to get dressed first. We race to brush our teeth first. We race to bed. We share the chores.  We take care of each other. We have each others backs. He loves me and I know it,  I love him and he knows it. And every single night before he falls asleep I remind him... he's my best buddy.


Life changes. Life grows. Life won't stop and the only choice we have is how we handle this ride that is given to us.

-- Stay Hopeful -- Stay Humble --

"Sometimes you've hit a low ... Stay hopeful.
Sometimes you're on top ... Stay humble."

Was a quote my nephew loved. He rode this quote while fighting a battle.
As unreal as it still seems he ended up losing this battle but he continues to reach and help in times I don't even realize it.

It was just the other day I was pretty discouraged. As I was talking to someone about how i was ready to give up on a few things but then i realized I need to stay hopeful and keep pushing forward. And sometimes I think I am much further along than I am, but I need to remain humble because i have a long way to go.

I didn't even realize what I said until my green bracelet i'm wearing was staring back at me with "stay humble".

It applies to life, it applies to goals, it applies to work, it applies to struggles and successes and it applies to love.

I miss you Landon Sparks :)

in for forever

On the fifteenth day the sun didn't hate us
The food wasn't angry, the bed didn't sigh
the ceiling said it's possible to get back
On the fifteenth day the sun didn't hate us

On the fifteenth day we danced the twelve-step
examined, admitted we are powerless
We sang a song about spring air
On the fifteenth day we danced the twelve-step

On the fifteenth day you played another show
The mountains arranged for you to run
The sea knew you would do your best
On the fifteenth day you played another show

On the fifteenth day came a drench of lonely
with a punk and a priest and a real estate agent
a girl with no teeth and a shaky marine
On the fifteenth day came a drench of lonely

On the fifteenth day we all hit a low
most of us probably never getting better
but never getting better together
On the fifteenth day we all hit a low

Today here we are the sun doesn't hate us
We are dancing the twelve-step together
Today here we are playing another show
We are in a drench of lonely together
Today here we are all staying hopeful
Tomorrow, together, we will stay humble

If you are lost and alone...

If you're lost and alone
Or you're sinking like a stone
Carry on...
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground
Carry on...


It has been a eventful past few weeks.
Hard? yes.
Amazing? yes.
Sad? yes.
Happy? yes.
Exhausting? yes.
Every one of those at once? yes.

Just about every emotion put the to test, every emotion reminding me how human I am and how real life is. How real and how short.

One thing I don't think i'll ever forget after the last few weeks, and it might sound silly because it's something you are always told. But don't take family and friends for granted, don't fail to appreciate what you have in your life and who is in it.

One positive thing I can take for sure from the last few weeks is how strong my family is. I knew they were before but now its 10 fold.

I love you friends, I love you family.
If you are reading this and you've shared a moment in my life, i'm sure its made me smile and for that, I love you.

Keep smiling. Keep pushing. Carry on my friends.

To Landon...

08/22/2017


It is a complete honor to stand up here to speak some words for Landon, to give a tribute to my nephew and my brother. To give a tribute to a friend of many, a uncle, a cousin, a grandson, a son, a husband and a fellow father.  The support has been immense, the love spread the last week could fill up lake beds and topple mountains. And I for one have loved all the family time i’ve had this week, even though every day is full of confusion, dazed stares with glossy eyes, and the garbage full of soaked tissues. Landon’s light is bright. It’s easy to see how much he’s loved.

To Louie --

First -- Landon -- the last week i’ve stayed up late, i’ve woken early, i’ve sat alone and dwelled on you. I’ve scoured Facebook and read all the wonderful things everyone has said and the memories they all cherish. So many comments on your smile and so many on your heart.  Every person you’ve crossed paths with you’ve taught them with your genuine smile and your enormous heart.

As I sat and dwelled on you --

You taught me about sacrifice, you taught me about selfless love.

I will always be a better person because of these things.

The powerful feeling I have while writing this is because of how true it is, and every person here knows it because they met you, they laughed with you and they smiled next to you.

You and your legacy will easily continue today and tomorrow and forever from these things.

You will always be my motivation to fight through struggles, work hard, act without fear and smile through the pain. Three cheers to you my nephew, we are here for you, we are here to celebrate you, to cherish you, to continue your legacy, to now continue what you can't. You will never be truly gone, maybe from our sight but never truly gone. Every day we will experience life with you and for you. Every time we smile it’s a dedication to you.

I have canned lights in my house that will always shine bright because you put them there. I have two toned paint on my walls because you painted it there and I have grass in my yard for my son to play on because you helped me plant it. You lived an hour away from me, but you never hesitated if I needed help because that’s who you are and that's who i want to be.

You are my nephew, you are taller than me and that's because i’ll always look up to you.

My memory of you will always be a happy one.

You have left an afterglow of smiles now that life is done.

You will forever be an echo whispering softly

Of happy times, of laughing times, of bright and sunny days

Our tears will never dry from your bright and sunny ways

My memory of you will always be a happy one.

To Lisa and Ashley

There’s no magical, invisible wall clock that’s ticking, pressuring you to get over and “deal with” this. There’s no one telling you that you need to fly past the “angry” or “confused” stage by next week, month or even year. You’re allowed to take as much time as you need to heal.

Don’t think that you have to get back to “normal” — that will never happen, and it’s a damn good thing. The pain you feel when you miss him is never going to go away and that’s okay. Because, even though you don’t feel it yet, but you’re stronger than you have ever been in your life, and you’re capable of doing things that you were never capable of doing before and that’s exactly what Landon wants.

You are not expected to be perfect. Your struggles build character. Your experiences make you unique. You are intricate, complicated, seasoned and beautiful. Don’t ever be ashamed of your past. Just remember that the decision to start the healing process is entirely up to you. So when you’re ready, get out there and take a chance on yourself to find peace past the pain. Landon will never let you go alone and neither will the rest of us.

To Harper

I want to share with you a moment I had with my son after his grandpa passed…

We were laying in bed and he says “hey dad…”

I said “yes Rivers?”

He said…”you know how I know Grandpa is never gone?”

I said ‘How Rivers?”

He said “because he will always be in my memories.”

I said “that’s perfect Rivers, who taught you that?”

He looked at me and said “you did Dad…”

Harper -- if there’s anything I can teach you for your future, I want to teach you this. Your dad will never be gone, he will always be with you, holding you, guiding you, and smiling for you. He is in the best heaven possible and that is in the memories of all your loved one’s around you.

There are so many amazing memories of your dad, you’ll have so many to learn who he was. Your dad was an incredible human who i’ll never know the like of and i’ll never forget. He’s in a heaven of happy memories inside all of us. And even though it kills me inside he’s gone from you, I hope some day the stories we have of him will bring you comfort and make you smile. There are non-stop stories of your Dad and i’m sure you will learn them all some day.
I hope i can gain the same relationship with you that I had with Landon.

I hope someday you’ll read this and it will help you.  Your dad would help me and anyone without even questioning and he’d be happy the whole time, and I will help you if ever need me. It was an honor to be his uncle and it’s an honor to be your uncle.

In closing --

To my sweet nephew:

I love you dearly.

This has been a daunting week for me, as i sat and watched my mother cry, my sister's struggle, my nephews in pain, my nieces feeling lost and my son full of questions. I realize even more that this is something that will never get easy. Every second of every day.

But if I asked Landon what he would do, I know he would sweep every one of you up in his big arms, hug you tight and then some how… some way… he would make you smile.

Hug your loved one’s, hug them tight and hug them often. Landon has taught us all this last week how strong we are as a family. How strong our love is and how strong his was.

Now there will be days that are harder than others, but when we remember Landon, we will smile. Let’s all smile for Landon, because his was one of the best. Every time I smile, it will be part of him.

When someone I love passes, my way of coping is imagining them doing what they love best. To me, it’s that feeling inside you get when you are in a place of peace, I think we all have felt it. When you are surrounded by loved ones, when you are on your favorite mountain top with that clean cool breeze in your hair, or camping flaming gorge and waking up to the hot sun, or hunting a mountain side and the world just kind of stops spinning because that moment is … perfect.

Landon has moved on but his energy has not and I now imagine him in a valley full of deer, he’s the buck leading the herd. He’s the buck bouncing up the mountain side while the sun is setting, he stops at the top and looks back. He see’s a lake with a boat, a beach, a firepit and some fresh kokone salmon frying up. The soft rumble of his 4 wheeler ready to take off over a sand hill to the south. And to the west the leaves whistle in the cool breeze as the wind swoops down the valley, the fire flickers and the grass around the hurd shuffles through and through.  The buck bounces down and away.  The feeling is still there but he is now out of sight. The memory’s are still burning bright, the spark of Landon will now never be put out.

I love you Landon, Thank you for the opportunity to serve as your unc. Thank you for giving me teary eyes when we talked of our kids together. Thank you for showing me your excitement of when you fell in love with Ashley and your enthusiasm of becoming a dad. Thanks for being you, and you i will never forget.

Three cheers my sweet nephew.